- Everybody Eat
- Silent E
- I Got It From Agnes
- That's Mathematics
- The Derivative Song
- The Professor's Song
- There's A Delta For Every Epsilon
- Hannukah in Santa Monica
Every niece and every nephew even if you're deaf you'll hear them digest.
Kiddie's by the dozen from local zoos
Someone's second cousin but god knows whose.
For example there's an uncle who when he's drunk'll be a real pest.
And cousin Julia is actin' childish to put it mildish.
Hey you kids I don't know who just did that but it's gross
Then Al begins to smoke and tells a dirty joke when Grandma's comatose.
Oh everybody's swill.
And put up with uncle Gordon video recordin' everyone here.
Now they've all gone away
And we're so happy to say
They won't be back for a year.
Who can turn a can into a cane?
Who can turn a pan into a pane?
It's not too hard to see
It's Silent E
Who can turn a cub into a cube?
Who can turn a tub into a tube?
For Silent E
He took a pin and turned it into pine
He took a twin and turned him into twine
Who can turn a cap into a cape?
Who can turn a tap into a tape?
A little glob becomes a globe instantly
If you just add Silent E
He turned a dam - Alikazam! - into a dame
But my friend Sam stayed just the same
Who can turn a man into a mane?
Who can turn a van into a vane?
A little hug becomes huge instantly
Don't add W, don't add X, and don't add Y or Z,
Just add Silent E
I love my friends and they love me
We're just as close as we can be
And just because we really care
Whatever we get, we share!
I got it from Agnes
She got it from Jim
We all agree it must have been him
Louise who gave it to him
Now she got it from Harry
Who got it from Marie
And ev'rybody knows that Marie
Got it from me
Giles got it from Daphne
She got it from Joan
Who picked it up in County Cork
A-kissin' the Blarney Stone
Pierre gave it to Shiela
Who must have brought it there
He got it from Francois and Jacques
Aha, lucky Pierre!
Max got it from Edith
Who gets it ev'ry spring
She got it from her Daddy
Who just gives her ev'rything
She then gave it to Daniel
Whose spaniel has it now
Our dentist even got it
And we're still wondering how
But I got it from Agnes
Or maybe it was Sue
Or Millie or Billie or Gillie or Willie
It doesn't matter who
It might have been at the pub
or at the club, or in the loo
And if you will be my friend, then I might ...
(Mind you, I said "might" ...)
Give it to you!
You're wearing your squeaky shoes
And right there taking a snooze
Is a tiger, so how do you walk on by?
Silently ... silently ... silent ... L-Y
You're a secret agent man
Who's after the secret plan
How do you act so they don't know you're as spy?
Normally ... normally ... normal ... L-Y
At an eating contest you boast
That you can eat the most
How do you down your fiftieth piece of pie?
Eagerly ... eagerly ... eager ... L-Y
On the lake your boat upset
And your clothes got soaking wet
How do you stand and wait for them to dry?
D-d-d-d-d patiently ... d-d-d-d-d patiently ... patient ... L-Y
In the public library
You fall and you hurt your knee
But the isgn says "quiet please," so how can you cry?
Quietly .... quietly .... quiet ... L-Y
Asyou walk along the street
A porcupine you meet
How do you shake his hand when he says hi?
Carefully ... carefully .... careful ... L-Y
You enter a very dark room
And sitting there in the gloom
Is Dracula! Now how do you say goodbye?
Immediately ... immediately ... immediate ... L-Y
We gather together to ask the lord's blessing
For turkey and dressing and cranberry sauce.
It was slightly distressing but now we're convalescing
So sing praises to his name and forget not to floss.
Our nearest and dearest we don't want confessing
It's sort of depressing to have them so near.
Our feelings supressing for lightly acquiescing
And perfectly professing we're glad they were here.
We gathered together and got the lord's blessing
Of course we're just guessing 'cause how can you tell?
Our stomach's are bloating
Our kidneys nearly floating
Hellos are very nice but goodbyes can be swell
When you're trying to sleep,
When there's something to share,
When you're folding a sheet,
When a ball
Bounces off of a wall,
When you cook
From a recipe book,
When you know
How much money you owe,
How much gold can you hold in an elephant's ear?
When it's noon on the moon, then what time is it here?
If you could count for a year, would you get to infinity,
Or somewhere in that vicinity?
When you choose
How much postage to use,
When you know
What's the chance it will snow,
When you bet
And you end up in debt,
Oh try as you may,
You just can't get away
Andrew Wiles gently smiles,
Does his thing, and voila!
Q.E.D., we agree,
And we all shout hurrah!
As he confirms what Fermat
Jotted down in that margin,
Which could've used some enlargin'.*
Tap your feet,
Keepin' time to a beat,
Of a song
While you're singing along,
With the rest of the guys,
Yes, try as you may,
You just can't get away
You take a function of x and you call it y,
Take any x-nought that you care to try,
You make a little change and call it delta x,
The corresponding change in y is what you find nex',
And then you take the quotient and now carefully
Send delta x to zero, and I think you'll see
That what the limit gives us, if our work all checks,
Is what we call dy/dx,
It's just dy/dx.
If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am.
I'm a brilliant math'matician - also something of a ham.
I have tried for numerous degrees, in fact I've one of each;
Of course that makes me eminently qualified to teach.
I understand the subject matter thoroughly, it's true,
And I can't see why it isn't all as obvious to you.
Each lecture is a masterpiece, meticulously planned,
Yet everybody tells me that I'm hard to understand,
And I can't think why.
My diagrams are models of true art, you must agree,
And my handwriting is famous for its legibility.
Take a word like "minimum" (to choose a random word),
This was performed at a blackboard, and the professor wrote:
For anyone to say he cannot read that, is absurd.
The anecdotes I tell get more amusing every year,
Though frankly, what they go to prove is sometimes less than clear,
And all my explanations are quite lucid, I am sure,
Yet everybody tells me that my lectures are obscure,
And I can't think why.
Consider, for example, just the force of gravity:
It's inversely proportional to something - let me see -
It's r^3 - no, r^2 - no, it's just r, I'll bet -
The sign in front is plus - or is it minus, I forget -
Well, anyway, there is a force, of that there is no doubt.
All these formulas are trivial if you only think them out.
Yet students tell me, "I have memorized the whole year through
Ev'rything you've told us, but the problems I can't do."
And I can't think why!
There's a delta for every epsilon,
It's a fact that you can always count upon.
There's a delta for every epsilon
And now and again,
There's also an N.
But one condition I must give:
The epsilon must be positive
A lonely life all the others live,
In no theorem
A delta for them.
How sad, how cruel, how tragic,
How pitiful, and other adjec-
Tives that I might mention.
The matter merits our attention.
If an epsilon is a hero,
Just because it is greater than zero,
It must be mighty discouragin'
To lie to the left of the origin.
This rank discrimination is not for us,
We must fight for an enlightened calculus,
Where epsilons all, both minus and plus,
To call their own.
I'm spending Hannukah in Santa Monica
Wearing sandals, lighting candles by the sea
I spent Shavuos in East Saint Louis
A charming spot but clearly not the spot for me...
Those eastern winters, I can't endure 'em
So every year I pack my gear and come out here til Purim
Rosh Hashona I spend in Arizona
And Yom Kippah way down in Mississippah
But in December there's just one place for me
Mid the California flora I'll be lighting my menorah
Like a baby in its cradle I'll be playing with my draydel
Here's to Judas Maccabeus, Boy if he could only see us
Spending Hannukah, in Santa Monica, By the Sea!
Back to Bright Tom Lehrer Days. This page was last updated on Feb 28, 2021.